


Every Shade Fades to Gray

by evakforever



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-02
Updated: 2017-02-04
Packaged: 2018-09-14 04:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9162745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evakforever/pseuds/evakforever
Summary: A continuation of season 3 from Even's POV.





	1. Something Better

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to post this skam-style with short parts released throughout the week but I wasn't sure if this is something people would even want to read so I thought I would release week 1 all at once and see how it goes, then maybe go to posting throughout the week. Let me know what you think! Also if anyone knows how to make images appear on here, please help! Thanks for reading :) 
> 
> Update: I am now posting each part in "real-time" on tumblr on my blog and on a separate blog that only has the story on it. I will still be posting the full week on here on Fridays, maybe with extra content than what I post on my blogs...maybe not...guess it depends on the week. 
> 
> My Blog: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/evakforever 
> 
> Story Blog: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/everyshadefadestogray

ART 

2.01.17

MANDAG 8:20 – HARTVIG NISSEN SKOLE 

Barren trees dripping with sleet dotted the landscape, the morning sky still waking up behind them. Below, the streets began to populate with a stream of people beginning their day. Among them, two boys, smiles bright against the gray of a reluctant sunrise, walked to school, their laughter piercing through the early morning fog. 

"What are you doing?" Isak laughed as he dodged Even, who was brandishing his phone in Isak's face. 

"Art." Even replied simply, grinning as he peered over his phone, attempting to keep his camera lens trained on him. 

"Oh are you now?" Isak teased, raising his eyebrows suggestively at the camera, clearly abandoning any attempts at stopping Even. 

He looked over his shoulder at Even, winking before strutting forward, his silent laughter radiating a tangible warmth. 

Even's laughter shook his phone, bringing Isak in and out of the frame, "What are you doing now?" Even chuckled, amused. This was going to be prime footage, even if all it would be good for would be to tease Isak with later. 

"Practicing my actor model walk for you." Isak explained, his sarcastic smile reflected in the twinkle in his eyes. 

Even caught up to Isak in a few easy strides, coming to a stop in front of him, his phone now pointing towards the ground, forgotten. 

Even's eyes still glowing in the creases of his smile, he meets his lips with Isak's, feeling the younger boy's smile pressed against his own. It was the kind of sweet, peaceful happiness that he had always craved. That he couldn't believe he was now living and not watching on a screen. 

There was no epic romantic music playing in the background, and neither of them had just made any grand gesture, but it was a moment far more beautiful than anything he had seen in any of his movies. Because it was their's.  

 

PICK-UP LINES

2.01.17

MANDAG 13:42 – HARTVIG NISSEN SKOLE 

Even scanned the courtyard, groups of people scattered around, cold puffs of air and chatter coloring the minutes that sped along far too quickly for those reluctant to return to class.  
His eyes landed on a group of boys chatting animatedly in the distance, his stare eventually met by one of them, who looked at him with a confused expression before nodding his head vaguely, as if he meant to ask him to join but then changed his mind half-way through. Even looked away awkwardly, angling his body slightly away from them, turning his attention back to Isak, who’s laugh was just dying down from a joke he had apparently missed. 

"So how come you guys weren't at Eva's New Year party?" Mahdi asked, looking between Isak and Even.

"Yeah I thought you said you were coming?" Magnus echoed him.  

Isak just shrugged noncommittally, stealing a shy glance at Even. 

Even's lips slid into a quiet smirk, memories from that night flashing across his mind, filling him with a thrilling warmth that gathered in his chest. 

“I guess we know why they weren’t there now,” Mahdi chuckled. 

“Better things to do then?” Jonas grinned at his friend. 

“Yeah, actually. At least I don’t have to hope some first year has had enough to drink to find my pick-up lines charming,” Isak deadpans, his voice confident despite the obvious blush now shading his pale cheeks. 

“Because your pick-up lines were so smooth before you met Even?” Jonas snorted, adjusting his yellow beanie over his head. 

“They weren’t bad actually, remember Emma?” Mahdi said. 

“Dude your skills with girls are so wasted,” Magnus said, shaking his head in disbelief, “Not fair, “he muttered. 

“How are things going with you and Vilde?” Jonas asked. Magnus’ face broke out in a huge grin as he launched into a detailed description of his date with her yesterday, but Even’s attention had wandered back to the group of boys who were now walking back into the school. It’s not like they were really good friends or anything, just some guys from his class. But that didn’t stop him from wistfully wishing that they had cared more that he wasn’t really around anymore. Sure when he stopped going to school he got a few messages asking him if he was ok, but they stopped after the first couple of days. He wondered if they had heard the rumors and believed them. He wondered if they cared. Even looked back at Isak’s friends, all offering Magnus advice while he squirmed with uncertainty and indecision. He wished that he had friends like that, they seemed to all genuinely care for and support one another. He had had that, at one point, maybe. 

Even reached down and intertwined his fingers with Isak’s, who looked up at him, his mouth twisting into a crooked grin before he returned to the conversation. 

He had Isak, and that was enough. 

 

3.01.17

TIRSDAG 11:22 - TEXT MESSAGE 

Even  
In math class and it made me think of you. 

Isak  
Why did math make you think about me? 

Even  
I just like to think about you:) 

Isak  
Come over tonight? 

Even  
Ok  
See you soon.  
<3 

Isak  
<3

 

TWO WEEKS

4.01.17

ONSDAG 11:40- HARTVIG NISSEN SKOLE 

Even tapped his pen against his leg, throwing impatient glances at his phone, the time moving at a resolutely slow pace. His ears buzzed with half heard math theorems that made him slide further into his chair. He can’t believe that he’s still here, still doing this. He’s going to be 20 soon, and he’s sitting in a high school math class. 

The teacher breaks his monologue, his back now turned to the class as he’s reaching for a stack of papers waiting patiently on his desk. Even looks around, noticing a visible shift in the room as people sat up straighter, the tension in the room rising slightly. He distantly recalls a test that they were supposed to have before break, and his stomach flips when he realizes why he forgot about it. He hadn’t been there to take it, too busy burying himself underneath Isak’s covers. 

The teacher hesitated when he got to Even, eyes filled with pity as he mumbled, “See me after class,” before moving on to hand back the test of the person sitting next to him. The empty desk top in front of Even seemed like a fairly accurate metaphor, Even thought bitterly. 

He took an excessively long time putting his textbook in his book bag, fumbling with its contents unnecessarily until the last person left the room. Even took a deep breath, slinging his book bag over his shoulder as he walked towards the front of the classroom, dreading the conversation he’d had too many times now. 

“So…Even,” his teacher searched for something on his desk, finally pulling out a gray folder and placing it in front of him. 

“This is all of the work that you’ve missed. It’s a lot and really I’m not sure if-“ 

“I can do it,” Even cut him off, not needing to hear what he already knew. But staying here another year, well he didn’t think he could take it. 

The pity in his teacher’s eyes made him feel so small, but he swallowed the feeling and put the confident face that had grown synonymous with Even, the one he knew was so effective and looked so effortless. 

His teacher nodded, “You can retake the test in two weeks after school, and um, turn in your work then too.” 

The uncertainty in his voice wasn’t lost on Even, but he just thanked his teacher, picked up the folder, and walked out of the classroom, trying to ignore how sickly familiar this all felt. 

 

5.01.17 

TORSDAG 20:15- TEXT MESSAGE 

Mahdi, Isak, Magnus, Jonas 

Jonas  
I found the perfect thing for you Magnus. 

*picture-sexy cat costume*

 

Magnus  
Hilarious

 

Mahdi  
At least he’s getting some pussy 

 

Isak  
lol burnn

 

Jonas  
Shut up Isak we all know you’re not getting any. 

 

Even  
That’s because he’s getting something better ;) 

 

Isak  
Why Even? 

 

Magnus  
ahahaahahah

 

SKATE PARK 

6.01.17

FREDAG 14:01- HARTVIG NISSEN SKOLE 

“Hey!” Even heard an enthusiastic voice call after him, hurried footsteps coming to an eager halt at his side. 

“Hi,” Even greeted Magnus. 

“Going home?” Magnus asked. 

“Yup,” Even nodded, thinking about the untouched math work sitting on his desk. 

“Jonas and I are going to the skate park? Join us?” 

“Isak is hanging out with Eva tonight,” Even shifted, stuffing his hands in his coat pockets. 

“Yeah I know. I thought we could still hang though,” Magnus said, his voice trailing off, turning the statement into a question. 

“Sure,” Even agreed, “I don’t really skate though.” 

“That’s fine, you can-”, he stopped mid-sentence, his focus shifting to a group of girls exiting the school. His posture changed, standing a little straighter, his hand going up to his hair, running his fingers through it to try and give it that casually windswept look.

“I need to uh, ask Vilde something. I’ll see you later,” Magnus said, not really looking at Even, his eyes fixated on Vilde who was now walking across the courtyard with Sana and Chris. 

“Yeah, see you,” Even said into Magnus’ shoulder who was pulling him into a hurried hug, shaking his head in amusement as Magnus ran off. 

 

RELATIONSHIPS

6.01.17

FREDAG 15:16- SKATE PARK 

The skate park wasn’t too crowded, the cold and rapidly approaching sunset keeping most people inside. 

“We should leave soon, I don’t know what Jonas is waiting for. It’ll be dark soon.” Magnus complained, pulling his jacket tighter around his body. 

Even shrugged, not really bothered by the cold. He had been sitting there, watching people skate and talk, looking at the dusk fall softly over the horizon, colors fading from light to dark as time shifted. Magnus had joined him a little while ago, while Jonas kept skating, a silent determination on his face that was only broken when he would stop every so often and cast a quick look to see if anyone was watching. It endeared Even. 

“So, um, I tried asking Vilde out again but she didn’t seem that into it and I’m not sure what I did wrong?” Magnus looked up at Even hopefully, the end of his question expectant.  
“Didn’t you see her last weekend?” 

“Yeah, we were together at Eva’s party and then again on Wednesday but I don’t know, the end was kind of awkward and I don’t know what to do now.” 

“Did you try asking her if everything is ok?” Even felt a little hypocritical advocating for direct communication, if only he followed his own advice. 

“That’s awkward, I can’t just ask her!” 

“Why not?” 

“I just, it’s weird.” 

Even didn’t say anything, letting the temporary silence swallow their conversation. He followed the last rays of light as they illuminated part of the skate park, allowing the other side to fall into darkness. 

“Maybe…ask Isak…”, he heard Magnus mutter to himself. 

“Isak?” Even turned his head back to Magnus. 

"I think he's still hanging out with Eva. I wonder if I he can get any information from her about what Vilde is thinking...," Magnus muses, already pulling out his phone.  

Magnus finished typing out a message and put his phone away, “I don’t know man, all of this dating stuff is so confusing. How do you do it?” 

Even chuckled, “I’m not sure, got lucky I guess.” 

“Yeah but you’ve been in two relationships, you had to have done something right?” 

“Well with Sonja we were friends first and we just kind of fell into a relationship.” Even felt a pang of guilt thinking about how things ended, but he ignored it. 

“And with Isak…” 

“Yeah?” Magnus asked, his curiosity palpable. 

Even shook his head, grinning, “You know he would kill me if I talked about our relationship to his friends.” 

“Oh come on!” Magnus shoved his arm. 

“He’s shit at holding his breath under water,” Even mused, watching Magnus in amusement as he tried to figure out what that meant. 

Before he could ask any more questions, Jonas came up to them. 

“Let’s go, I can’t see shit anymore.” 

“Finally!” Magnus climbed off of the bench. Even followed behind the two boys, his mind travelling months back in time. 

 

STAY SAFE 

6.01.17 

FREDAG 18:29- HOME 

“Hello?” Even called out as he shut the door behind him, kicking off his shoes. 

The quiet that hung in the house answered him back, and he wondered whether he felt relieved or lonely as she shrugged out if his coat and scarf, hanging them on a hook by the door. 

He walked into the kitchen, about to open the refrigerator when he noticed a note taped to its front. The note was folded in half, his name written out carefully across the top. He smiled a little as he unfolded it, he liked that his mom left him notes instead of texting him, made them feel more special. But his smile quickly disappeared as he read the contents of the note. 

 

~Even  
Your aunt got sick unexpectedly and I have to go stay with her for a few days, help her out. Pappa should be back from his business trip tomorrow evening. Call me if you need anything. Remember to take your medication. See you soon! Stay safe!~ 

Even leaned against the kitchen counter, the emptiness of the apartment suddenly a lot louder. He opened the fridge again, but his appetite was gone. Even closed the refrigerator with a sigh and walked into his room, throwing his bag down. He sat on the couch underneath his bed, turning the note over in his hands, fumbling with its edges. He eyed the folder that was sitting on the table in front of him demandingly, pushing his bottom lip into his top lip in contemplation. 

His gaze drifted towards the yellow curtains that Isak had gotten him for Christmas, which were now pushed to the sides around his window. He remembered the self-satisfied grin on Isak’s face when he had opened them, he could still hear the laughter that had filled the room when Even teased Isak for being just as cheesy and sentimental as he was. 

Beyond his window, a street lamp pulsated with a yellow light, spilling a liquid gold shadow across the street below.

 

6.01.17  
FREDAG 18:55- TEXT MESSAGE 

Even  
Still hanging out with Eva?

Isak  
Nope. Home now. 

Even  
Did you have fun?

Isak  
Yeah, it was good seeing her.  
Heard you hung out with Magnus?? 

Even  
He needed my advice. 

Isak  
Advice? 

Even  
About Vilde. Because I’m the expert on hooking up. 

Isak  
Of course 

Even  
I got you didn’t I? 

Isak  
So did you tell him to break into someone’s pool then? 

Even  
Yes actually 

Isak  
Idiot 

Even  
You loved it 

Isak  
Maybe  
:) 

Even  
How do you feel about going for a swim now ;))) 

Isak  
Even. No. 

 

Even  
How else am I supposed to get you to kiss me? 

 

Isak  
Just come here already. 

Even  
I thought you’d never ask.


	2. I’m Certainly Glad to See You Again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am now posting each part in "real-time" on tumblr on my blog and on a separate blog that only has the story on it. I will still be posting the full week on here on Fridays, maybe with extra content than what I post on my blogs...maybe not...guess it depends on the week.
> 
> My Blog: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/evakforever
> 
> Story Blog: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/everyshadefadestogray 
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who reads this! I love and appreciate you so much!!!

MORNING 

7.01.17

LØRDAG 9:03- ISAK’S APARTMENT 

Even stretched, reaching up to rub his eyes, introducing movement into the stilled surroundings, the room stale from the static night. He rolled onto his side, facing Isak, who was laying on his back, one arm hanging off of the bed. Even watched as his chest rose and fell, his lips parted, completely at peace. He still couldn’t believe that he was actually here, lying in bed with this perfect boy, who somehow still wanted him here, even after everything. Even wondered how long he had left before Isak realized he didn’t want to deal with him anymore, but quickly pushed back the thought, not prepared to try and convince himself that everything was fine right now. 

Even sat up, reaching for his phone. He was immediately struck by the sharp, contrasting cold of the room, the blanket and Isak’s radiating body heat no longer there to keep him warm. He looked around the room, his eyes falling on a gray hoodie crumpled on the floor against the foot of the bed. He bent forward, grabbing it by the sleeve and dragging it into his lap. It’s the same hoodie that Isak wore the day after their first kiss. Even smiled at it fondly, pulling it over his head, breathing in Isak’s smell. He picked up his phone, remembering why he sat up in the first place. 

He turned on the video, carefully angling it to capture the way the gold morning rays playfully skipped along Isak’s features. 

“My beautiful,” he whispered. 

“Hmm?” Isak stirred, turning towards Even, eyes still closed. 

Even set down his phone, “Nothing,” he smiled softly into the word, scooting down and wrapping his arm around Isak, who immediately curled into Even. 

Isak’s eyes opened gently, and he lifted his head, looking up at Even through his eyelashes, “Morning,” he muttered, his eyes closing again as he laid his head back down on Even’s chest. 

Even watched Isak falter between their present and sleep, his mouth twitching slightly, his nose sniffling. 

“Stop staring at me,” Isak muttered, still not looking up, face buried in the soft gray fabric. 

“But I like staring at you.” Even could feel Isak’s mouth curving upwards against his chest, a muffled huff escaping his lips as he settled further against Even’s body, deciding that it was far too early to wake up. 

Even leaned over, kissing the top of Isak’s head, letting the kiss linger, Isak’s hair tickling his cheeks. The light spilling through the curtains cast shadows throughout the room, and Even captures them with his fingertips, swirling them into patterns that gently skated across Isak’s shoulder. And so he lays there, holding Isak, tracing stories onto his back, watching the sun travel up the skyline.

 

FUCK IT  
8.01.17 SØNDAG 18:37- HOME  


Even let himself in, closing the door with one hand while already starting to toe off his shoes. 

“Even?” A voice called out, startling him and causing him to stumble a little over his shoes. He had forgotten that his father would already be back. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” Even shouts back, discarding his coat and scarf by the door before making a moot attempt at rushing into his room. His dad, however, materialized in the hallway, walking in hurried steps towards him until he lands a few feet in front of him. 

“Where have you been?” He asked immediately, worry replacing the expected anger. 

“I’ve been at Isak’s, I told Mamma.” 

“Oh right,” His dad sighed, rubbing a hand over his face, clearly exhausted, “Sorry, I forgot,” he mumbled into his palm. 

“Yeah well…” Even shifted his weight from one leg to the other, eyes darting towards his door.  
“So um-“ 

“Sorry but I really should go do my homework,” Even cut him off, feeling instantly guilty, knowing he hadn’t spent any real time with his dad in too long, but he couldn’t bear the constant concern that hung over every moment with his parents. It was too much pressure. Pressure to be ok. 

“Right, of course,“ His father nodded. 

Even turned his back to him, feeling his eyes on his back as he hovered in the hallway, watching Even walk towards his room, the door shutting behind him with a defiant thud. He leaned against the door, the weight of having to perform slightly lifting now that he was alone. 

He looked around his room, all of his things settled with a silent film of dissociation, as if they weren’t really his. Even raked a hand through his hair, ignoring the unrest that was starting to trickle in, instead he walked towards the folder waiting for him decisively on the table. He grabbed a pen that had been steadily rolling off of the surface and reached for his homework, opening the gray folder before he lost his resolve. The equations swam across the page in front of him, numbers and letters and symbols submerged beneath an impenetrable surface. Even flipped over the first page, placing it face down on his table, but the second page was no better. He flipped through the rest of the contents, each assignment seemingly worse than the last. Eventually, he came across a page that looked actually doable, only four tasks spread apart across the paper. Even clenched his jaw, his grip on his pen tightening as he made an effort to actually attempt a problem. 

The growing pressure in his chest made him jump slightly as the door to his room suddenly opened. 

“I’m going out to get groceries,” his dad said slowly, his tone quietly apologetic, “Do you want anything?” 

Even shook his head, “No thanks.” 

His dad lingered for a moment longer than necessary, on the verge of saying something, but he apparently decided against it, instead giving Even a small smile, his lips forming into a soft line across his face, leaving the door slightly opened as he retreated down the hall.

Even groaned, shoving his homework off of his lap and falling backwards, his head hitting the wall behind him. He closed his eyes, waiting for the bang of the front door as it shut, signaling that he was once again alone. 

Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, knowing that he really did need to do his work. But when he thought about actually doing it, he could feel the pressure building in his ears once again. 

“Fuck it,” He sighed, pulling himself up and moving towards his closet, where he dug out a joint from a box of old drawings that was shoved in the back. 

Even sat on the ledge in front of his window, tilting his head back as he balanced the joint in between his lips. He watched the flames dance as he lit it, framing the empty spot in front of him, the one that Isak had sat in that first day they spent time together. A simpler time, a sweeter time. When he was still the cool, confident guy who could woo Isak by pulling all of the paper towels from a dispenser in the school bathroom. His sigh swallowed the burning ash steadily curling into the air, the smoke echoing a past that could have been. 

 

9.01.17 

MANDAG 20:25- TEXT MESSAGE 

Magnus  
It worked!!! 

Even  
What did? 

Magnus  
Your advice about Vilde. 

Even  
To talk to her? 

Magnus  
Yeah we hooked up again 

Even  
Awesome   
Glad I could help 

Magnus  
Thanks man I owe you one 

Even  
Anytime  

 

9.01.17 

MANDAG 22:39- TEXT MESSAGE 

Mahdi, Isak, Magnus, Jonas 

Jonas  
Already ready for the weekend. Anything happening? 

Mahdi  
Any parties? 

Magnus  
Probably   
Can't pre game at mine though 

Mahdi  
Jonas?

Jonas  
Nope Sorry

Mahdi  
Isak? 

Jonas  
??? 

Magnus  
Issy?   
I bet he's busy lol 

Even  
He is 

Isak  
Why does it always have to be at my place? 

Magnus  
Plsss 

Even  
Oh come on Issy 

Isak  
fine 

Magnus  
woooo!!!! 

 

BLUE 

10.01.17

TIRSDAG 17:59- ISAK’S APARTMENT 

They lay sprawled over Isak’s bed, a tangle of limbs precariously balancing a laptop in front of them. Even sat upright, eyes shining bright, while Isak leaned against him, amused. 

“See like there, ok, where the camera does that wide shot, and in the 1974 version, Clayton had more close up shots but this way you can see their body language better and tha-,” 

“Even I’m going to miss the whole movie if you keep talking through it,” Isak paused just as Gatsby came onto the screen, looking up at Even, his voice sounding far more annoyed than the half-smile on his face suggested. 

“You can’t pause there!” Even protested, stretching over Isak to try and resume the movie. 

“Promise you won’t talk?” Isak pushed the laptop out of his reach, even though his finger was already hovering over the space key. 

“Promise.” Even nodded solemnly, a look of mock-seriousness painted onto his face, alive with insincerity. 

Isak shook his head but pressed play anyways, settling back against Even’s chest, his head dropping onto Even’s shoulder. 

“I’m certainly glad to see you again.” Even whispered along with Daisy despite himself. 

“Really?” Isak looks up at him,” It’s been like 2 seconds.” 

Even chuckles, tightening his arm around Isak, “I’m sorry, I’ll be quiet.” 

Isak narrowed his eyes at him, “Somehow I don’t believe you.” 

“Stop talking you’re missing the movie.” 

“Seriously?!” Isak sat up, “You’re the one who- “ 

“I did nothing,” Even smiled despite himself, Isak’s over-dramatic outrage too endearing to keep a straight face. 

Isak rolled his eyes, facing the screen once again. 

"What's your favorite color?" Even asked suddenly.

"Blue," Isak replied immediately, despite the confusion creasing his forehead.

"Why blue?" 

"I don't know," Isak shrugged nonchalantly, pretending to be thoroughly unaffected despite the obvious blush blossoming across his cheeks. He didn’t look up from the laptop, gaze held firmly on the screen. 

"No? No reason?" Even pressed, his giddy curiosity shaping his lips into a smirk. 

Isak squirmed, a moment passed. 

"Your eyes are blue so..." Isak mumbled in a quiet voice, eyes still resolutely on the movie despite his obvious lack of focus, the tops of his ears now flushing with red heat. 

"Oh are they? Didn’t notice." Even's grin widened. 

Isak smiled, turning to Even and raising an eyebrow. 

"I don't know, I would say let me check but they're pretty much closed now," he said, bringing up his hand to Even's face and brushing his thumb along the lines around Even's left eye before settling his hand at the back of Even's neck. 

That just made Even laugh harder as he tried to widen his eyes exaggeratedly. 

Isak leaned in to kiss him, but the kiss was broken by his own laughter.  

"Wait what's your favorite color then?" Isak asked, trying to catch his breath. 

"Yellow," Even replied, his eyes twinkling with memories. 

"Idiot," Isak grinned, pulling him in for another kiss.

They held each other, laughing against one another, the air in the room sweet, forgotten words playing faintly in the background, mixing into their banter. Outside, the cold wind dimmed against the bright warmth of Isak's little room. In this moment, they were happy. In this moment, all was good.  

 

IS IT TRUE? 

11.01.17

ONSDAG 11:05- HARTVIG NISSEN SKOLE 

Chairs scraped against the floor, books rustling alongside papers as students shuffled throughout the room, dispersing into their groups. Even rocked back onto his heels, hands stuffed in his pockets, wishing he hadn’t walked in late. He scanned the vaguely familiar faces, trying to remember who he was supposed to be working with. A faint memory of the week before that ill-fated night at the hotel slowly trudged through the haze in his brain that seems to have settled down in a thick coat, safeguarding Even’s memories from that time period, as he struggled to remember even a group assignment, let alone who his partners were. Get your shit together. He clenched his jaw, teeth grinding slightly. 

His teacher saw him standing hesitantly at the doorway, having only taken a few steps into the classroom. 

“You’re working with them,” He cleared his throat awkwardly, pointing at a girl and a guy who were sitting in the back of the classroom to his right. 

Even nodded in thanks and crossed the room, his steps deliberately measured. 

"Hey," Even greeted them easily, taking the open seat next to a girl with long dark hair that hid half of her face, falling onto the desk in front of her, where she sat already hunched over the assignment. The other guy in their group, who had turned his chair around to face the table that Even and the girl were sitting at, gaped at Even with an openly curious stare that Even could feel burning into the side of his face as he turned towards the girl. 

"Even," he introduced himself. 

The girl looked up, blinking at Even as she registered his presence.  

“Uh..um..Nina,” She stuttered, looking a little startled, her eyes widening as they darted quickly from Even back to the assignment. 

“So what are we doing?” Even asked, pulling out his textbook. 

“Oh, well we’re supposed to d-“ 

“Is it true? Did you really go outside nak-“ The boy in front of him interrupted eagerly, clearly unable to contain his blatant interest. 

“So the assignment,” Nina cut him off forcefully, sharp conviction abruptly replacing the soft shy mumble from only moments ago. Even raised his eyebrows, taken aback by the exchange happening before him. Nina angled her body towards Even, facing him rather than the dejected boy fiddling with his pen, muttering something in an insolent tone under his breath. Even gave her a grateful smile, trying to hide his growing discomfort. 

He had known of course that people knew what happened. There was no way he could do what he did without people finding out. But maybe a part of him had hoped that since not that many people knew him here, the rumor wouldn’t spread too far. Maybe he hoped that people’s interest would have waned by now, some new piece of gossip replacing what he had hoped would be old news by now. Hoped. Even thought derisively. You should know better than to do that.

Nina returned his smile with a kind one of her own, and continued explaining what they were supposed to be doing. Even tried to focus on what she was saying, but only managed to nod in acknowledgment when she would look up at him to make sure that he was understanding what she was explaining. But his mind wasn’t really in it, consumed with racing through over-played memories that made his heart beat like a broken staccato. 

 

12.01.17

TORSDAG 16:03- TEXT MESSAGE 

Even  
Benjamin Franklins filled, folded just for the thrill  
Go numb until I can't feel, or might pop this pill  
Stock markets just crash, now I'm just a bill  
History don't repeat itself it rhymes

Isak  
Hey Even

Even  
Well?

Isak  
100$ Bill  
Jay Z 

Even  
:)  
Missed you today. 

Isak  
You saw me today  
At school  
Where you see me every day

Even  
Wasn’t enough 

Isak  
<3  
hey where did you go?  
Be sappy to me 

Even  
<3

 

12.01.17 

TORSDAG 21:00- TEXT MESSAGE 

Eskild  
Where have you been lately? I got used to having you around.

Even  
Miss me?

Eskild  
You know it :*  
Actually I have plans to whisk you and Isak away to a gay bar this Friday. Interested?

Even  
We already have plans, but Isak, at a gay bar?

Eskild  
You would be surprised.

Even  
Really??

Eskild  
He’s as small as he is mysterious.  
Are you sure you guys won’t be able to make it? 

Even  
Sorry we really do have plans.  
Next time?

Eskild  
Sure, plans;)))

Even  
I don’t kiss and tell. 

 

MATCHING HICKEYS

13.01.17

FREDAG 21:50- ISAK’S APARTMENT 

A loud banging sound reverberated through the apartment, causing the two boys to break apart. 

Isak hit his head against the wall with a dull thud, his eyes widening in realization. 

“Shit, what time is it?” He cursed as he scrambled to get out of bed. 

“Huh?” Even asked, his breath still uneven as he moved off of Isak. 

“They were supposed to come at 22:30,” Isak grumbled, having found his phone. 

How did they not hear the buzzer? Who let them up? Even mused to himself, deciding it was better not to ask as he watched Isak frantically trying to find his clothes, which were scattered all over the floor. 

“Ow,” Isak muttered, rubbing the back of his head. 

Even sat up on his knees, leaning over to place a kiss on the spot on Isak’s head which he had hit against the wall. Isak glanced over at him, throwing him a quick smile before pulling his shirt over his head, eyes scanning the room for his misplaced pants. 

Even looked over to his side of the bed, spotting Isak’s pants and reaching over to get them before tossing them to Isak. He laughed as he watched Isak struggle to get them on, almost falling over in his attempt to put them on while walking towards his door. 

“Shut up,” He heard Isak mutter under his breath, which only made him laugh harder.

He got out of bed, collecting his own clothes as Isak finished getting dressed and disappeared into the hall. Even heard the door open, a moment of silence, followed by a burst of laughter that vibrated through the walls, over which he could hear Isak’s stuttering protests, and decided it was time to rescue him. 

Jubilant voices and light laughter flowed freely into the hall as Even walked towards the kitchen. Jonas was setting down a case of beer on the table, laughing along with Magnus and Mahdi, who looked very pleased with themselves. 

“Dude don’t even try to-,” Mahdi sat down across from Jonas, shaking his head with a bemused expression on his face. 

“Haha yeah your shirt is inside out and everything,” Magnus laughed, pointing at Isak’s shirt with an accusatory finger. 

“No it’s not…” Isak mumbled, his voice defensive, but looked down to see a tag staring back at him. 

“Whatever,” Isak said, his face coloring slightly, saying something that sounded like bathroom before rushing out of the kitchen. Even chuckled and took a seat at the table, reaching for a beer.  
He felt three pairs of eyes looking at him expectantly, but he just took a sip, shrugging his shoulders and leaning back in his chair. 

He heard a chair scratching against the floor and turned to see Isak plopping down in the seat next to him, shirt on the right way now. Isak’s eyes lingered on the beer in Even’s hand for a moment too long, making Even’s grip tighten around the can. He looked like he wanted to say something, but instead he just reached for a beer of his own, a barely audible sigh passing through his lips. But Even still heard it. 

“Nice matching hickeys,” Jonas teased, the growing tension between the two boys having gone unnoticed. 

“Which one?” Even grinned, “The one on my neck or the one on m-” Isak kicked Even in the shin, hard. 

“What?” Even asked, feigning innocence despite the smile that he was very clearly trying to suppress. 

Jonas, Mahdi, and Magnus erupted in laughter again, Magnus raising his hand to high-five Even. 

”Why do you insist on helping them?” Isak grumbled, one side of his mouth curving upwards despite himself. 

Even chuckled as he accepted Magnus’ high-five, looking over at Isak who just rolled his eyes at him, but there was more fondness than malice in the gesture. Even grinned back, wagging an eyebrow at him before taking another swig of beer and slipping his hand into Isak’s under the table. 

A warm calm burned at his fingertips, swelling through his body when Isak squeezed his hand back, giving him a sense of belonging. He turned towards the table with a renewed ease as he contributed to the banter being bounced back and forth. The world looked just a bit brighter, his chest blooming with an elated hope.


	3. As You Would Like Them To Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am now posting each part in "real-time" on tumblr on my blog and on a separate blog that only has the story on it. I will still be posting the full week on here on Fridays, maybe with extra content than what I post on my blogs...maybe not...guess it depends on the week.
> 
> My Blog: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/evakforever
> 
> Story Blog: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/everyshadefadestogray
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who reads this! I love and appreciate you so much!!!

**GAY BAR**

**14.01.17**

**LØRDAG 13:23- ISAK’S APARTMENT**

Isak flopped onto the mattress with a huff, the controller falling from his left hand, “You just got lucky, that one shot was totally-“

  

“Um excuse me?” Even jumped onto Isak’s lap, placing his arms on either side of his head, “I won game that fair and square.”

 

“You what?!” Isak pulled himself up on his elbows slightly, his face scrunched up in disbelief, “You were distracting me on purpose!” 

 

Even laughed, throwing his head back, “You can’t use that as an excuse every time.”

 

“You so cheated and you know it,” Isak protested, falling back onto his pillow, glaring up at Even.

 

“You’re adorable,” Even beamed down at Isak’s narrowed eyes, kissing the lines on his forehead.  

 

Isak’s features softened, “Whatever,” he mumbled, placing a hand on Even’s neck and pulling him down to meet his lips.

 

“You totally cheated,” he whispered against his lips before kissing him. 

 

It had only been a couple of minutes, or what had felt like it anyways, before the door swung open.

 

“Stop making out and come play with me,” Eskild strolled into the room unceremoniously and sat on Isak’s bed.

 

“Um, Eskild?” Isak looked at him incredulously, his hand still on Even’s neck, who hadn’t made any effort to move off of him.

 

“Yes?”

 

“We’re kinda busy?”

 

“Oh yeah that,” Eskild waved a hand at them dismissively, “When are you not making out?”

 

“Leave,” Isak tried again, although he finally removed his hand from Even as he moved to sit up.  

 

“Oh I see, now that you got the guy you don’t have time for your guru anymore.”

 

Isak just sighed, rolling his eyes, “What did you want?”

 

“No no it’s fine, I know when I’m not wanted.”

 

“Of course we want you here,” Even offered.

 

“You don’t need me anymore,” Eskild continued, pouting.

 

“We _need_ you here,” Even amended, “Simply can’t live without you.”

 

“Speak for yourself,” Isak grumbled.

 

“Wow, ok, rude.” 

 

“He didn’t mean it Eskild, he loves you. He just doesn’t know how to show it.”

 

“I know he does,” Eskild smiled fondly at Isak, who didn’t say anything but Even saw the corners of his mouth turning downward slightly, dimpling his cheeks around the edges of his mouth, trying to suppress a smile.

 

Even nudged his shoulder, “He’s actually really sweet, but don’t tell anyone, they can’t find out that he’s not actually super cool.”

 

“Oh I know he’s not-“

 

“So did you actually come in here for something or is this round two of my boyfriend and my friends ganging up on me?”

 

“I did actually. So glad you asked,” Eskild sat up a little straighter,” There’s a party next week at this bar I go to, thought maybe you guys would like to come. It’ll be a good time I promise.”

 

“What kind of party?”

 

“Um I don’t know, a big one?”

 

“Is it a, you know?”

 

“A what Isak?”

 

Isak squirmed, “Is it like, at a gay bar or something?”

 

“Why would you just assume that it’s at a gay bar?” Even asked, twisting to look right at Isak, who’s face had visibly reddened.

 

“I don’t know, never mind, I’m sorry.”

 

“Well it is,” Eskild stated, the excitement in his voice having visibly waned.

 

“I thought we were past this?” Even continued, not as willing as Eskild to let it slide.

 

“You’re right, I know, I’m sorry…I’m trying,” Isak’s voice dropped at the end, his guilt visible.

 

“I know you are,” Eskild said with the patience and understanding of someone who had had to have conversations like this more than once.

 

“Maybe we’ll go, could be fun, or something,” Isak looked up at Eskild, eyes round and apologetic. Sometimes Even forgot how new all of this was to him. The mood in the room was tense and hung in the air with a gray heft that accentuated the juxtaposing light banter from just moments before. Even wrapped his arm around Isak, feeling him visibly relax underneath him.

 

“Well I for one like large parties. They’re so intimate. At small parties there isn’t any privacy.”

 

“Ok?” Isak drew out the syllables in confusion while Even just looked at him expectantly.

 

“Huh?” Isak shook his head slightly, perplexed.

 

“It’s from The Great Gatsby. We just watched that last week, I thought you would get it.” Even said exasperated.

 

“Well maybe if you hadn’t talked through the whole thing I would have,” Isak tilted his head to the side accusingly.

 

“I would never talk through a movie. That’s just rude and disrespectful.”

 

“What? But-you-“

 

“Me?” Even mouthed, pointing a finger at his chest, “Never.”

 

Isak turned to Eskild, “Help me out here.”

 

“Sorry, I wasn’t there.”

 

Isak rolled his eyes, hunching over against the wall. Even laughed, pulling Isak up into his side and squeezing his shoulders. Isak melted into his touch, grumbling about injustice but with no real vigor, tilting his head up to meet Even’s eyes with a sweetly fond gaze.

  

“You guys are too cute. I’m so proud.” Eskild sniffled, wiping away a fake tear.  

 

**DON’T FORGET**

**15.01.17**

**SONDAG 15:38- HOME**   

Even balanced his phone in his hand, thumb sticking out of his glove as he typed back a response while reaching for the door handle with the other. He walked in not looking up, shutting the door behind him with his foot.

“Hey!” A voice startled him, causing him to nearly drop his phone. His mom’s eager face loomed in front of him, smile wide despite the hesitation in her eyes.

 

“Hey mamma,” Even said, focusing on hanging up his coat, waiting for the inevitable question.

 

“How are you feeling?” The pause before feeling made Even flinch internally.

 

“Good,” He sighed, reminding himself that she had every reason to be worried and that she wasn’t just doing it to bother him. The acknowledgment floated somewhere above his thoughts, too light and weightless to gain any real traction.

 

His mom stepped closer, trying to bridge the distance between them. She pulled him down into a hug, squeezing him once before releasing him, “I’ve missed you.”

 

“I missed you too.”

 

“I’m sorry I’ve been gone so much lately, but it’s just that with this new job-“

 

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

 

“I’ll probably have to go on another business trip in two weeks or so.”

_Of course._

 

“That’s ok. I can take care of myself, remember?”

 

“Yes, yes, sure. But I’m always just a call away.

 

“Yeah ok well I actually need to,” Even pointed towards his room, already starting to walk backwards down the hall.

 

“Oh,” His mom’s face dropped slightly, “Oh Even, don’t forget to take your- “, the sound of Even’s door closing swallowed her words, but Even didn’t need to hear them to know what she was going to say.  

 

As always, his room remained the same. Foreign objects filled with memories. He didn’t know when his room, his things, stopped feeling like his. He just looked around one day and somehow the clutter-filled room felt unbearably empty.  

 

Ignoring the gray folder on his desk completely, he pulled up his laptop in front of him, scrolling through his video library. Settling on _Anna Karenina_ , which he hadn’t finished watching from a couple of days ago, he placed his laptop on the folder, covering it from view. Even pulled his legs up, resting his chin on them, but after a few minutes he found himself on his feet, walking across the room to get his bag. Usually he wouldn’t just get up in the middle of a movie, but his body seemed to have a different idea of what he should be doing.  

 

Irritation crawled up his skin as he reached into his bag, fingers curling slowly around the pill bottle as he lifted it up, looking down at the small bottle balancing expectantly in his palm. Clenching his jaw, he put the bottle down on the table, an attempted sense of normalcy struggling against a nagging responsibility. Raising up once again, he went to his closet, only to realize half-way there that he had already smoked the last of his weed. Making a mental note to get more, he plopped back down onto the couch, eyes switching between the movie and the pill bottle.  

 

His impatient legs lifted him again, this time carrying him all of the way to the door. Even walked out of his room before he could even consider why he was leaving, restlessness stirring in his gut.   

 

“I’ve always loved you, and when you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be.” Drifted out of the computer and through the density, wrapping around the room lazily, trying to etch a reminder into invisible walls.  

 

“Where are you going?” His mom’s concern followed him as he put on the shoes he had discarded only 20 minutes ago.

 

“For a walk,” Even said, not looking back at her, walking out of the house.   

 

He stepped into the early falling dusk, the sunset filled with vibrant hues, a brilliant magenta glowing around the yellow pockets of the last remaining drops of day. The cold air coursing through him, igniting his heart with a reinvigorated jolt that he hadn’t realized he’d been missing.

**IT’LL BE FUN**

**16.01.17**

**MANDAG 12:38- HARTVIG NISSENS SKOLE**

“Hi!” A perky voice bounced excitedly next to him, slightly breathless. Even closed his locker, throwing an easy-going smile at Vilde as he fixed the strap of his bag on his shoulder.

 

“Hey.”

 

“Um, hi, yeah so, I was wondering,you’re still in Kosegruppa right? You and Isak?”

 

“Sure,” Even chuckled fondly, he would always have a soft spot for Kosegruppa.

 

“That’s great, so-“

 

“But I thought that was over now? Like the revue already-“

 

“We can still do stuff!” Vilde defended,” I just thought it would be fun to do something, like all of us, and Eva has her house free but then her mom comes home tomorrow and then I can’t because it just won’t work and obviously Sana can’t and I guess we could ask Chris but usually-“

 

“Yeah ok, well we’ll still help you,” Even reassured her, wondering how she can say so much and take so few breaths. He could see why Magnus liked her though, she had the same naïve excitement that he did, it was sweet.

 

 “Great! So come by around 19:00 then, we can-“

 

“Wait, today?”

 

“Um yeah…I know it’s last minute but we didn’t know Eva’s mom was coming home tomorrow, and well we wanted to- “

 

“Oh well, Isak is busy today, so- “ 

 

“Yeah, yeah, I know, Magnus told me,” Vilde waved her hand impatiently, “But you can still come, right?” She leaned forward slightly, hopeful, eager eyes blinking up at him.

 

“I, uh, I guess,” Even couldn’t really think of an excuse not to. _You could do your homework._ _Funny._    

 

Vilde’s face shone, her smile infectious, spreading to Even’s face,” Awesome, I’ll um, get your number from Magnus and text you the address, or maybe Isak can tell you, anyways, I have to go but get ready to bake! It’ll be fun!”

 

He watched her rush down the hallway, shaking his head in disbelief. This was the second time Isak’s friends had invited him to do something without Isak. He didn’t really get why they were trying so hard to get to know him, they had already done what any good friends would do, they really didn’t have to do this. _Maybe they like you?_ A small voice suggested. _For now, maybe._ A poisonous whip hissed, slashing through the fearful hope that dissipated into graying smoke just as quickly as it had materialized.   

 

**16.01.17**

**MANDAG 14:16- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Vilde**

Hey! It’s Vilde!

Just wanted to give you Eva’s address. Just in case.

**Even**

I already got it from Isak.

**Vilde**

Oh ok, great:)

See you soon then

**Even**

See you

**Vilde**

Oh wait! Do you have any sugar? We thought we had some but I guess not.

If you don’t it’s ok.

Eva thought I should ask.

**Even**

How much do you need?

**Vilde**

Enough for 3 batches of cookies

**Even**

Will do

**Vilde**

Thank You! <3

**Even**

No problem

 

**BAKING**

**16.01.17**

**MANDAG 19:14 - EVA’S HOUSE**

“Oh, hey!” Eva squeaked, her voice slightly raised, cheeks flaming bright red.

 

Even smiled, nodding slightly, shifting the bag he was holding in his arms.

 

“Uhm, yeah, come in, it’s freezing,” Eva stepped aside, just as Vilde stumbled in, “Who is…oh hey Even!” Vilde smiled brightly at him, her face just as flushed as Eva’s.  

 

“You brought the sugar!” She reached for the bag, “Now we can start baking, I guess,” Her eyes darted towards Eva, holding them there for a beat too long before turning on her heels and walked back into the kitchen. Eva looked at him awkwardly, but Even just smiled at her, trying desperately to ignore how uncomfortable he was. _What was he even doing here?_ He followed Eva to the kitchen, watching as the two girls avoided looking at each other, Eva opening a drawer only to close it distractedly, Vilde unnecessarily swirling a spoon into the sugar.  

 

“Don’t you want me to help…?” Even offered when no one had said a word in what felt like an hour packed into a minute. 

 

“You can go downstairs,”’ Vilde said quickly, her face flushing pink once again as Eva looked sharply at her.

 

“The others, they’re, uh, all hanging out downstairs in my room,” Eva explained. 

 

“You sure you don’t need me to do anything?”

 

“Oh, um, we’re good, you know, but we’ll call you when we-“

 

“Thanks Even, we’re good.” Eva smiled at him, but the tense energy sprung in coils around the kitchen.

 

“Cool,” Even nodded, heading for the stairs, turning his back on the growing tension behind him as he left the two girls alone.  

 

He reached the bottom of the stairs and stepped into Eva’s room, peering in tentatively to see who else was there.

 

Noora and Sana were sitting on the bed, talking animatedly about something, nodding and muttering ‘hey’ in acknowledgement towards Even as they saw him enter, a smile dimpling Sana’s cheek as he nodded back.

 

“Even!” Magnus welcomed him from the couch.

 

“You’re in Kosegruppa now?” Even raised his eyebrows at Jonas, who was sitting next to Magnus, smushed against several pillows, and took a seat on the floor, leaning against the closet door.

 

“Magnus dragged me here. Vilde has him so whipped,” Jonas nudged Magnus’ shoulder, who just shrugged and grinned widely.

 

“Lucky Isak had a good excuse,” Jonas said.

  

“Well, I wouldn’t say it’s a _good_ excuse,” Even muttered just as the sound of Vilde and Eva’s steps descended into the room with hurried, fumbling footsteps interspersed with quiet giggles.

 

“Are we baking now?” Magnus looked eagerly at Vilde, who faltered slightly before taking a seat next to Magnus. She looked down, pleased, as Magnus immediately wrapped an arm around her, kissing her cheek, but her eyes fluttered over to Eva, who was watching the two intensely. But as soon as their eyes met, she immediately looked away from Vilde, striking up a hasty conversation with Noora, who looked knowingly over at Sana.  

 

Even watched the exchange curiously, the nervous energy buzzing amidst the varying dynamics in the room. Jonas was on his phone, looking thoroughly disinterested with the promise of baking.

 

“Baking, um, we already put the cookies in the oven actually.” Vilde squirmed.

 

“Really?” Magnus asked, surprised.

 

“Yeah, so now I get to spend more time with you,” Vilde replied sweetly. Her response clearly pleased Magnus, who pulled her into a kiss.

 

Even pulled out his phone, his face lighting up when he saw that he got a text from Isak. 

**Isak**

I’m on my way home now, come hang out.

 

**Even**

Can’t. Still here.  

You should come. 

 

**Isak**

Haha no way I have a great excuse.

 

**Even**

Fine, your friends are nicer anyways.

 

**Isak**

I’m pretty sure they like you better than they like me.

 

**Even**

Who can blame them?

What with my good looks

Charming personality

 

**Isak**

Don’t forget how humble you are.

 

**Even**

That too, thanks for reminding me.

 

**Isak**

Sure. Anytime.

 

“Even stop smiling at your phone, Isak can live without you for 5 minutes.”  

 

“You know Sana, I don’t think he can,” Jonas laughed from the couch.

 

“Come here Even, we need your opinion on something,” Noora waved her phone at Even, gesturing for him to come over.

 

Even clambered up off of the floor, straightening his shirt.

 

_I’ll just enjoy this for as long as I have it._

**17.01.17.**

**TIRSDAG 20:45- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Even**

:’(

**Isak**

What’s wrong?

**Even**

Everything

Math

**Isak**

Studying for your test?

**Even**

Yes

:’’’(

**Isak**

Do you want me to help you study? I’m awesome at math.

**Even**

No thanks I’m fine

**Isak**

Are you sure?

**Even**

Yeah yeah

**Isak**

I don’t mind

**Even**

Gotta go study

<3

**Isak**

Have fun

**Even**

Ha

**Isak**

<3

**Even**

Ha

 

**WORK**

**18.01.17**

**ONSDAG 3:19- HOME**

Irritation throbbed restlessly at his temples, a bead of sweat rolling in frustration down his forehead as he forced his eyes to focus on the blurring numbers before him.

 

“Ugh”, Even threw his pencil in defeat, the clattering against the floor mocking his failure. He glanced at his phone, 3:20. Sighing, he got up, finally allowing his limbs to move like they’d been itching to ever since he sat down. He had gotten through half of his assignments, although he sincerely doubted the quality of his work.  

 

Even flexed his cramping fingers, tracing the pictures on his closet, letting his hand trail across the surfaces that filled his room as he walked around it. He closed his eyes, the dark swirling around him in an array of invisible objects, light fingertips trying to recall a significance that barely lingered. 

 

His hand curled around a rung of the ladder as he circled his way back to where he started. Even leaned against the cool wood, slowly opening his eyes. The dim light cast around his room started back at him, squinting at the center of his desk, papers strewn across it. He tightened his grip on the ladder, wanting more than anything to climb up, away. Even chewed at his lip, sighed, and walked back over to his work, dragging his body down with him.   

 

**18.01.17**

**ONSDAG 13:25- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Isak**

Good luck on your test!

I know you’ll do great!

 

**18.01.17**

**ONSDAG 15:10- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Even**

I’m done now

**Isak**

How did it go?

**Even**

Shit

**Isak**

I’m sure you did fine.

**Even**

Wanna hang out?

**Isak**

Sure :)

**Even**

Your place?

**Isak**

OK

**Even**

Be there soon.  

 

**JUST CHILL**

**19.01.17**

**TORSDAG 12:10- CAFETERIA**

Even set down his bag as he lowered himself into a chair, pulling out a sandwich he brought from home. He fiddled with the wrapper, indecision marring the slight folds in the bun.

 

His deliberations were interrupted by a heavy thud as Magnus threw himself into the chair across from him, his usual greeting swallowed in a furrowed brow and thinned lips.

 

“Hey,” Even tried to catch his eyes, but Magnus just shook his head gloomily and mumbled something incoherent, his gaze glued to his phone while his hand rummaged in his bag for something.

 

“What’s, uh-” But before Even could say anything else, Mahdi walked up to the table, stretching out his hand to greet Even, his mood a significantly happier contrast to Magnus’ uncharacteristic gloom.   

 

“What’s up bro?” Mahdi leaned back in his seat, pulling his phone out of his pocket and placing it on the table in front of him.

 

“Nothing reall- “

 

“Yo what’s wrong with him?” Mahdi tilted his head to Magnus, who still hadn’t said a word but had now put down his phone, staring sullenly at an apple in his hand.

 

“Magnus?” Mahdi tried again.

 

“Huh, what?” He finally looked up, eyes wide as if he had just woken up.

 

“You ok?” Mahdi chuckled uneasily.

 

“Oh, yeah,” Magnus said unsteadily, taking a big bite of his apple, avoiding eye contact.

 

Mahdi threw Even a puzzled look, who just shrugged his shoulders, equally as confused. He’d never seen Magnus actually upset before.

 

Mahdi’s phone suddenly lit up, and he grabbed it eagerly, excitement lighting up his face.

 

“Yes! I-” Mahdi started to get up, then paused, “You sure you ok man?” he put a hand on Magnus’ shoulder.

 

“I, yeah, go, you’ve been waiting for this,” Magnus waved him off with a delayed reaction.  

 

Mahdi hesitated for a moment, but then rushed off.

 

Even sat back, watching the interaction before him, unsure what to make of it. He felt as if he was trying to watch a movie but whole scenes were just omitted, and yet he was supposed to know what was in them without having been given them in the first place. Discomfort pooled deep in his gut. _Why was he here?_ He considered leaving, but he didn’t really have anywhere else to go. Isak was still in class and he didn’t have class for another 20 minutes. He looked up at Magnus, who was playing with the stem of his apple, chewing his lip.

 

“Hey Magnus, are- “

 

“Not really,” He interrupted.

 

“You were going to ask me if I’m ok, right?” Magnus answered Even’s raised eyebrows, “Well I’m not, I don’t think…I don’t know…it’s all,” Magnus waved his hand weakly in explanation.

Even knit his eyebrows together, propping his elbows on the table, waiting.

 

Magnus finally placed the apple down on the table with a sigh, the white of the apple browning along the ridges.

 

“I don’t know, I thought things were good between me and Vilde, but lately…I don’t know, she just doesn’t seem as into it, and I don’t know what I did wrong I guess,” Magnus mumbled, his eyes cast down onto the table.

 

“What makes you think she’s not into it anymore?” Even asked carefully.

 

“I just, she doesn’t want to hang out and like she doesn’t answer my messages, or when she does it’s after a long time and I know she’s seen them but she still takes forever to answer them, if she does at all and just,” Magnus runs a hand over his face in exasperation.

 

“Maybe she just needs some space, you don’t know what she has going on right now. Maybe it has nothing to do with you?”

 

“But, but why wouldn’t she talk to me about it then? I thought we were supposed to be together?”

 

“I don’t know Magnus, but maybe try to just chill for a bit.”

 

“Chill?”

 

“Yeah, just chill,” Even smiled kindly, “Let her come to you.”

 

“I just don’t want to mess this up,” Magnus slumped his shoulders, fiddling with the edge of his sweater.

 

“There’s only so much you can do. At some point it’s up to the other person to care enough, and if they don’t well,” Even trailed off, his words twisting a lingering ache in his chest. 

 

“Is that what happened with the people at your old school?” Magnus asked curiously.

Even shifted in his seat, Magnus’ bluntness intrusive, yet somehow disarming.

 

“Um, yeah, I guess…but I don’t blame them.”

 

“Hey man, if they stopped hanging out with you because they found out you’re bipolar, they were shit friends to begin with.” Magnus stood up as the bell rang.

 

The earnest expression and genuine ease struck Even, lashing at the quietly simmering coal of hope, threatening to swell.

 

“See you later,” He called over his shoulder, tossing the apple in the trash.

 

“See you,” Even got up, gathering his stuff, glancing down at the bruised red apple lying forgotten as he walked by the trashcan.  

 

**20.01.17**

**FREDAG 15:33- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Even**

I have a surprise for you: D

**Isak**

What is it?

**Even**

Come home and you’ll see

**Isak**

You’re not at school

Even???

 

**Even**

Just get here

 

**HOLD IT TOGETHER**  

**20.01.17**

**FREDAG 16:10- ISAK’S APARTMENT**

Even hummed, tying a knot around a post on the shelf next to Isak’s bed. Pillows and blankets lay in a heap on his bed and strewn across the floor. Even considered getting a towel or two, but ultimately decided against it, unsure if there were enough towels for everyone to still use. He bounced on his feet, eager for Isak to get home, checking his phone every few minutes to see if he had sent him anything new.

 

He was lying on his back on the floor, trying to hold up several pillows from falling over while simultaneously tying together two duvet covers when Isak came in.

 

“What the hell?!”

 

“Hey baby!” Even called from the floor, trying to uncover his face.

 

“What are you doing?” Isak exclaimed, the confusion and surprise immediately laced with an undercurrent of worry that grated at Even. Couldn’t he just do something fun without everyone worrying all the time?     

 

“I’m just trying to hold it all together,” Even laughed, lines of concentration creasing his face.

 

“Hold what together?”  

 

“It’s a pillow fort. Well pillow and blanket fort, because you don’t exactly have enough for-,”

 

“Oh, sorry,” Isak said sarcastically, having now crossed his room and dropped to his knees, lifting a cover to reveal Even’s face.

 

“You should be,” Even replied earnestly, but his eyes betrayed his attempted sincerity.

 

“Well, are you going to help?” Even prompted.

 

“I have to help with my own surprise?” Isak protested, but laid on his back next to Even anyways.

 

Even turned his head to face Isak, eyes sparkling brightly, embers of white light dancing across light blue oceans. Isak tilted his head towards Even, lips meeting in a convergence of youthful tenderness. Even hummed into the kiss, bringing one hand to cup Isak’s cheek. 

 

Duvet covers and pillows immediately tumbled down, drowning the boys in shades of fabric, blocking out the light, which was now only faintly streaming into the small heap in the middle of the room.

 

Even laughed into the kiss, his grin only widening at Isak’s grumbles and half-hearted attempts at detangling himself.

 

He pulled Isak closer, capturing the boy’s arms in his, refusing his increasingly meek struggle.

 

“Even!” He protested, “Why?!”

 

“Why not?” Even smirked, the twinkling lights in his eyes twirled so brightly they threatened to spill out into the world between them. 

 

“This is ridiculous,” Isak tried to motion towards the discarded bedding around and on top of them, but Even refused to release his arms, tugging him closer into his chest, their foreheads touching.

 

“Maybe,” He allowed, but his expression remained unchanged. The warm air linked the two in an impassable hold, the energy charged yet soft, making his head spin. Even closed his eyes, colors swirling into distinctive patterns as tides rose and shifted, spinning on a wheel that knitted dozens of uniquely vibrant stitches into the fleeting minutes.

 

He felt Isak’s nose brush against his, entwining this moment into the next.        


	4. Are You Going to Stop Me Again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am now posting each part in "real-time" on tumblr on my blog and on a separate blog that only has the story on it. I will still be posting the full week on here on Fridays, maybe with extra content than what I post on my blogs...maybe not...guess it depends on the week.
> 
> My Blog: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/evakforever
> 
> Story Blog: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/everyshadefadestogray
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who reads this! I love and appreciate you so much!!!

**21.01.17**

**LØRDAG 15:41- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Isak**

How long do you think it’ll take you?

**Even**

Why?

Miss me already?

**Isak**

Of course

Not

**Even**

Maybe I’ll just stay at home the rest of the weekend then. 

My mom could need more help.

**Isak**

Fine, see you Monday.

**Even**

I’ll be there tomorrow morning

<3

**Isak**

<3

**COULDN’T WAIT**

**22.01.17**

**SONDAG 8:12- ISAK’S APARTMENT**

Sheets of ice from the previous night rendered the morning streets bare. With most apartment windows still dark, sleep heavy buildings towered over him like silent giants. Even leaned against the frosted wall of Isak’s building, thumbing slowly through his pictures and videos. He watched with a smile as a muted Isak tried to shove a pillow into the camera, his room lazily covered in discarded bedding. His cheeks flushed and eyes glowing with laughter, despite his disgruntled banter which Even had already memorized with no need to turn the volume up.  

 

“Even?” A confused voice pulled him from his thoughts. He looked up to see Eskild walking towards him, one hand fumbling in his pocket for something, probably his keys.

 

“Shit,” Eskild muttered, pulling out his phone and sending a text, coming to a stop in front of Even just as he looked up from his phone.

 

“Hey!” Even answered brightly, “You’re up early.”

 

“So are you,” Eskild pointed out, shifting from one foot to the other as he shot furtive glances down at his phone.

 

“What are you doing out here at this time? It’s freezing!”

 

Even just shrugged,” What about you? Doing the walk of shame?”

 

The buzzer went off and Eskild darted towards the door, hurrying inside.

 

“Who’s ashamed?” Eskild threw him a flirty wink, holding the door open to let Even in as well.

 

“Thanks,” Even followed Eskild as they walked up to the apartment and were let in by a disgruntled Linn.

 

“I think we should just sew your keys into your coat,” Linn grumbled, pulling her blanket, which was draped over her back like a cape, tighter around her body.

 

“That’s not a bad idea,” Noora agreed as she came out of Eskild’s room, her hair pulled back and a towel thrown over her shoulder.

 

“I forget my keys _one_ time, and- “

 

“One time?! Are you serious, I can think of at least ten times you- “ Linn protested.

 

“No need to be dramatic Linn,” Eskild waved her off dismissively, but the faint look of admissive guilt didn’t go unnoticed as he turned his back to hang up his coat.      

 

“I’ve never seen him forget his keys,” Even held himself up against the wall, lips quirking up at Linn’s dismayed scoff.

 

“You don’t even live here, you don’t know what he’s usually like.”

 

“I mean he practically lives here,” Eskild argued, “So therefore his observation is perfectly valid.”

 Linn crossed her arms under her blanket, “Of course you would think so, he’s defending you- “

  

“Seriously? It’s 8:00 on a Sunday,” An irritated voice interrupted their banter, Even’s head immediately turned towards it, a smile already spreading across his face as he bounced up off of the wall.  

 

“You’re already here?” Isak dug the heel of his hand into his right eye, fatigue still weighing down his speech. 

 

“Couldn’t wait,” Even pulled him into a hug and placed a kiss into his hair, memorizing its smell filled with a warm familiarity. 

 

Isak tilted his head up expectantly, permeating a sweet rawness that never failed to endear. 

 

Even cradled Isak’s face in his hands, watching as Isak’s eyelashes fluttered even lower. He gave a soft smile before pulling him up to press their lips together.

 

“Halla,” Isak whispered, content allusions filtering through him with an earnest warmth that curled right down to his toes.

 

“Halla.”

 

 “Again with this,” He heard Linn complain as she retreated back to her room. 

 

Isak rolled his eyes, “Come on Even.” He stepped away, moving down the hall towards his own room, beckoning him.

 

Even followed him, watching in amusement as Isak fell face-first back onto his bed, missing both pillows and landing somewhere in the middle.

 

“What? You’re going back to sleep?” Even jumped onto the bed, knees bouncing against the mattress, finally pulling off his coat and throwing it onto the floor.  

 

“Um, yes,” Isak said into the pillows, eyes shut resolutely. 

 

“I didn’t come here to just watch you sleep,” He protested even as he settled back against the wall, propping up the blue pillow behind his back.  

 

“Yes you did,” Isak buried his face further into his pillow, pointedly tugging up the covers. 

 

Even chuckled softly, lifting one hand to brush Isak’s bangs out of his eyes. Isak opened one eye, twisting his head to look at Even before flipping over and pressing his face into Even’s side. 

 

He watched Isak slip back into sleep, ready to pull out his phone, but stopped his hand half way. Some moments were better left alone, simply edges that softened at the temporary bliss that helped him forget the truth. A beautiful ignorance masqueraded by time and wistful longing, lapping at the banks of his memories. Everything, in the end, was infinitely lost and gained.   

 

**AGAIN**

**22.01.17**

**SONDAG 13:49- ISAK’S APARTMENT**

Even laid on his back, arms bent behind his head as he carefully traced the details of Isak’s ceiling. He watched as the shadows crawled over the shaded white, stories ticking by. His phone buzzed against the bed next to him. Even reached for it, his hand groping at the covers before unearthing it from a fold in the blanket, bringing it up to hover over his face.  

 

**Mamma**

Me and Pappa are going out for a little while. Be home soon! Don’t forget!

 

He sighed, dropping his phone back onto the bed, wishing he hadn’t picked it up in the first place. He chewed on his cheek, knowing what he should do. He looked back up at the ceiling, groaning and pushing himself up when the shadows had slinked back into their corners.  

 

Even crossed the room, kneeling down rigidly to fish the pill bottle from the bottom of his bag. He walked back to the bed and hunched over the edge, staring down at the bottle, suddenly tired.   

 

“Hey, do you want to-” Even heard Isak shout as he re-entered the room, hastily stuffing the bottle into his sweater pocket.

Isak’s eyes narrowed, immediately following the movement.

 

His gaze met Even’s, his suspicion only growing at Even’s staggered attempt at nonchalance.

 

“Do I want to what?”

 

Isak didn’t say anything, instead he walked over to Even, reaching into his pocket before Even could stop him and pulled out the bottle, which somehow looked even more menacing in his hands than it had earlier.

 

 “Yours?”

 

“Nah, just found them on the street, thought it could be fun,” Even snorted, snatching them from Isak’s hand.

 

“Why do you have them out?” Isak pressed, not playing along.

 

“Oh, you know…” His mind hesitated briefly for an answer, sabotaging his attempts at a lie. 

 

“Did you already take them today?”

 

“Well-” Even looked down, searching for the shadows on the floor, coming up empty. He could feel Isak’s eyes scrutiny prickling against his forehead, discomfort seizing his limbs in a chilling trickle. He felt a thin layer of his cool peel back slowly.

 

“What if I helped you?” Isak said suddenly, taking back the bottle from his hand before he could react, popping open the cap and shaking a pill into his palm.

 

Confused, Even looked up, warily stilling as curiosity won over. Even raised his eyebrows with his head cocking to the side, eyes flitting between Isak and the pill rolling around in his open hand.  

 

Isak smirked, the corners of his mouth slightly downturned, and stuck the pill on his tongue, a daring twinkle in his eyes.  

 

Even paused for a moment, his breath hitching in his throat. _Fuck he was hot_. He hesitated for a second, then stepped forward, meeting Isak's mouth. 

 

After a few breathless minutes, Isak pulled away, clearly pleased with himself. 

 

"I can't believe that really worked, again," Isak threw his head back, laughter etched into the space between them.

 

"Again?" Even asked. 

But Isak just laughed again and pulled him back in, wrapping his arms around his waist and pushing his body into Even's, causing Even to stumble backwards and their legs to fumble against the shelf near his bed.

 

The pill bottle, which had been placed onto the shelf only moments earlier, shook, falling to its side and rolling onto the floor, quietly melting into the shadows beneath the bed.

 

Joyful laughter concealed the theft as the bottle stole silently into the dark.

 

**23.01.17**

**MANDAG 3:04- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Even**

You have to finish

It’s so good

I think you’ll like Dizzee ;) 

**23.01.17**

**MANDAG 7:12- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Isak**

How did you already finish? We just started yesterday?

**Even**

I liked it, wanted to see how it ended.

We’re watching it after school

**Isak**

I thought you were done?

**Even**

But you’re not

**Isak**

So you’re going to watch it again?

**Even**

Yup

**Isak**

Why?

**Even**

So I can watch it with you?

**Isak**

I can watch it by myself

**Even**

But I want to watch it with you

I like doing things with you

**Isak**

<3

See you at school  

   

**OVERESTIMATED**

**24.01.17**

**TIRSDAG 15:05- BUS STOP**

 

Even leaned back against the railing, hands stuffed into his coat pockets. He watched people as they passed by, feeling himself blur into the background of the shifting day. Only a short length of fading color blended in between the gaps of the solid gray concrete below his feet. The raw wind bit at his face and he buried his chin further into his scarf, closing his eyes for a moment in hope for a solitary moment of warmth. He felt a weight leaning against the railing next to him, feet shuffling against the pavement. Even looked to his left, a dejected Magnus frowning silently at his phone, the lack of a greeting noticeably loud.  

 

“Hey,” Even offered tentatively, hands fidgeting in his pockets as he watched Magnus look up from his phone, his frown even more prominent in his eyes than on his face.

 

“Are you ok?” Even asked when Magnus still hadn’t said anything.

 

“Huh? Oh, I just…” He trailed of, allowing the callous wind to take the rest of his sentence, recognition flickering across his face.

 

 “Oh sorry I, hey Even,” Magnus said slightly more enthusiastically, “What’s up?”   

 

“You ok?” Even repeated, concern spilling over into his voice. Even felt Magnus had been acting a bit off since last week, and searched for an answer which only seemed to let loose briefly through his eyes.

 

“I, um, well it’s this thing with Vilde. I know you told me to just chill but she’s been acting really weird lately, distant one minute and then super into me the next. She’s avoiding me again and the whole thing is just, I don’t know. But I really like her.” 

 

Magnus looked expectantly up at Even, the words having tumbled out of him in one big breath, a hurried question mark spilled into the icy air.  

 

Even’s mind darted back to last Monday, Eva and Vilde’s flushed red faces and surreptitious glances lacing guilt up his throat, suspicions falling into place. 

 

“And she’s been acting like, extra weird around Eva, like at this party we went to Friday,” Magnus’ voice drowned before it reached Even’s ears, his mind whirring. _Should he tell Magnus? Was there really anything to tell? Would it be his fault for not saying anything? Probably, but how was he supposed to tell him something he wasn’t even sure about? And what if he said something and Magnus got mad at him? He really didn’t want to mess things up with Isak’s friends…_ his mind drifted into a darkened corner. 

 

“Don’t you think that’s pretty weird?” Magnus’ question finally reached Even, pulling him back down into the light.

 

“Just talk to her,” Even replied nonchalantly.

 

Magnus let out a huff, an ironic smile matching Even’s tired advice, “What do you think I’ve been trying to do? But every time I try she just jumps on me and I can’t really turn her down you know?”

 

Even chuckled, “At some point you’re going to have to control yourself enough to actually talk about all of this.”

 

“Yeah yeah I know,” Magnus agreed, straightening as the bus pulled up.

 

“You have any more of that great advice you gave me at the Kosegruppa party?”

 

“Sorry man, I think you’ve overestimated me,” Even said, the ease in his voice contradicting the tightening in his chest as he followed after Magnus onto the bus.  

 

**PROMISE**

**25.01.17**

**ONSDAG 11:55- HARTVIG NISSENS SKOLE**

 

An enormous grandfather clock stood entombed in a thick steel case in the middle of the room, desks pushed to the side with chairs toppling over one another, falling silently to the floor as they lost their balance and slid down. Thick fog crawled languidly at his feet, distracting him from the sparkling day that played outside, just beyond his reach. The clock pounded away forcefully as the minutes passed, number-shaped holes drilled into his skull with a lingering urgency.

 

The bell cut through his daydream and Even’s eyes widened as he sat up startled in his seat, tossing his head around the room as he took in the rising students.

 

“You can take a picture of my notes,” Nina offered helpfully, pushing her open notebook towards Even.

 

“Thanks,” Even sighed gratefully, angling his phone over the page in front of him.

 

“Sure,” She nodded, pulling her hair into a ponytail as she waited for him to finish.

 

“See you,” Nina waved at him, her notebook still in her hand as she left the classroom, book bag swinging open against her side.    

 

“Even,” His teacher shook his head, motioning for Even to come forward. He pushed his chair under the table, unsure of whether he wanted time to speed up or slow down.

 

Hesitantly, he made his way towards his teacher, nervous anticipation bubbling over into a shaky exhale, eyes shifting towards the papers in his teacher’s hand. He somehow managed to keep his cool, and quickly looked up at him.

 

“So, Even,” His teacher extended his arm, gesturing for Even to accept the papers.

 

“Your work, although not bad considering your absences, has been lacking. With all of the assignments that you’ve already missed, you would need to make at least a 5 on your next test, as well as the final, if you want to pass this class.”

 

Even looked down at his work, the 3+ on his test staring back at him coldly, burning inadequacy into the pit of his stomach.

 

“Is there anything else I can do? To help my grade?” His voice drifted away from confidence with each passing syllable.

 

The insulting pity painted alongside the obligatory mask on his teacher’s face set his jaw on edge, the fruitlessness of his question evident as he tightened the grip on the papers in his hand.   

 

“I’m sorry, but I can’t really give you extra work, it’s not fair to your other classmates who won’t get the same opportunity.”

 

Even knew to expect this, but still felt a tinge of anger from his teacher’s response. Past conversations mocked him, ugly heads rearing through his mind, finally allowing themselves to resurface after being forced down so carefully.

 

“Right,” Even nodded, “I’ll be sure to do better next time.”

 

His teacher smiled at him weakly, and Even turned to leave the room, the weights in his hand burned into his palm, etching a permanent reminder into his flesh.

**25.01.17**

**ONSDAG 12:13- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Isak**

Did you get your test back?

How was it?

**Even**

Shit

**Isak**

That sucks :(

But you still have time to fix it.

I can help if you want.

**Even**

Hah thanks but there’s no point

**Isak**

You’re smart, you can do this.

Want to hang out? Take your mind off of things. 

Could be fun

**SMOKING**

**25.01.17**

**ONSDAG 16:02 – HOME**

Purple skies saturated the city, colors floating gloomily outside his window, the yellow light flickering feebly across the street as the light dimmed and brightened against the ground shrouded in dusk silhouettes beneath it.  

 

Even’s head lolled back against the wall, his legs stretched out along the windowsill, his feet ghosting brightly tinted memories.  They framed themselves in smoke, linking old days with present nights.

 

Even slowly unzipped the tired plastic that had made its home in his pocket, crumbling pieces of his salvation into his palm. He sprinkled it over the paper in his hand and quickly licked it closed, needing more. More peace. More silence. It was a familiar calming.

 

He inhaled deeply, eyes slipping shut as he held the warm breath amongst his lungs, waiting to feel it sink deep into his body before he letting go.  A silent cloud crept lazily into the hollow weight of night.

 

His phone vibrated against the wood beneath him, but Even made no move to reach for it. He knew who it was. He knew what he wanted. 

 

Orange flames curled into ashes, brightly eating away at the paper as it fell into the cup in his lap. 

 

Another.

 

At some point he registered that his phone had been silent for a while, or maybe it hadn’t actually been that long, judging by the decreasing intensity with which the cold air felt against his skin. He leaned into the open window, the stark winter welcoming against his face.  

 

Sharp knocks cut through the heavy silence, Even’s eyes flying open. He knew it couldn’t be his parents, they wouldn’t be back this early when they had a perfectly good excuse not to be home. Which meant it could only be one person…

 

“Even! I know you’re home!” Isak’s muffled voice shouted angrily from behind the door. Even thought about sending him away, but the needy loneliness ate away at his chest, unsatisfied with the fleeting smoke he tried to feed it. He put down his joint, swinging his legs down, head spinning slightly as he heaved himself up.

 

Even opened the door, Isak’s hand raised in the air, ready to knock again.

 

Isak sighed, his shoulders visibly lowering, the anger falling off his face.

 

“You weren’t answering and I..I was worried?” Isak faltered as Even turned his back to him, stalking back to his room, words blocking his throat.  

 

“Um..Even?” Isak followed him, “What’s going on-” He stopped in his tracks, his face carefully rearranging as he saw Even sit back down, relighting his joint and pointedly avoiding Isak’s gaze.

 

"You're smoking again?" 

 

"What, are you going to stop me again?" 

 

Isak's weary eyes stayed on him, but he wasn't really looking at him, searching for something beyond Even. Finally, he looked away, eyes cast downward and his dark eyelashes casting a shadow over the bruised circles beneath his eyes. 

 

He sighed and walked over to Even, taking the joint from his hand, pausing a moment before taking a drag and handing it back to him, smoke coiling into the space between them as he joined Even on the windowsill. 

 

The scene was far too reminiscent of the first time they hung out together, except for now their memories lingered in the air, the weight of time passed hanging over their shoulders. 

 

There was so much that needed to be said. So many necessary words left unspoken, but Isak was looking at him and behind those tired eyes was that same twinkle that he saw all those months ago. And Even’s heart still jumped in his chest as his eyes locked onto Isak's. 

 

So they sat there, and for one night, burned a warm glow through the heavy clouds that threatened to spill over.

 

**BYE**

**26.01.17**

**TORSDAG 14:53- HARTVIG NISSENS SKOLE**

 

“Halla,” Even smiled nervously, catching Isak’s eyes before his gaze shifted to his friends who exchanged cautious looks but greeted Even warmly. 

 

“Hey man.”

 

“How you been?” Jonas echoed Mahdi, apprehension tensing his voice slightly. 

  

“Good, yeah, good” Even replied, adding a half hearted grin. But his concern was directed at Isak, who shifted awkwardly, hands in pockets, looking exceptionally interested in the floor.  

 

“Well we gotta go you know,” Jonas said.

 

“We do?”  

 

 “Yes, remember,” Jonas looked at Magnus with a curiously hard expression, head tilting slightly towards Isak. Magnus just furrowed his brows, opening his mouth to say something when Mahdi clapped him on the back, nudging him slightly.

 

 “Yeah man, let’s go, get something to eat or whatever.”  

 

Magnus hesitated, then looked at Isak, his expression shifting dramatically as realization dawned in a comically obvious display.  

 

“See you later,” Magnus looked up at Even, his apology written all over his face.

 

“See you,” Even nodded towards him, lips tugging up disingenuously. 

 

The boys shuffled past him awkwardly, and then they were alone. A misplaced nervousness pricked at his skin. He and Isak hadn’t spoken yesterday, content to sit in silence, enjoying each other’s company. Even had caught Isak on the verge of saying something at least a dozen times last night, but every time he could see Isak swallow his hesitation, unwilling to disturb their precarious peace.

 

“Halla,” Isak’s voice sounded like static mixing into the rigid space that stretched like a chasm between them. Even’s arms itched to wrap around Isak, but he knew that that wasn’t what he needed. The words dried on his tongue, turning to stone before he even knew what they were. They were dancing around each other, careful, distant, unwilling to accept their problems, which had seemed to arise so suddenly, yet unsurprisingly.  

 

“How… what’s up?” Even bit on his lip, noticing with a twinge of amusement that Isak was chewing on the inside of his cheek, their nervousness mirroring each other. Even when he felt so far from Isak, he felt an even stronger connection deep down, buried under layers of uncertainty and doubt. The hot coil of hope burned him, his blood hissing against the heat.  

 “Nothing really,” Isak shrugged, his own internal conflict struggling behind his wide eyes.    

 

“You still have another class, right?”

 

“Yeah, I-” Isak licked his lips, indecision thick in his throat as he swallowed his next words.

Even stared back at Isak, waiting, his chest panging knowing Isak was doing the same.

 

“Well I should go,” Isak moved forward.

 

“Right, don’t want to be late,” Even said lamely, the words falling flat between them.

Isak walked past him, and Even started for the stairs.

 

“Even?”

 

He turned around, hope beating pitifully in its hollow cavity.

 

“I just...never mind, bye.” Isak turned around, shoulders curled downward into his gray hoodie.

 

“Bye,” Even breathed, watching as he turned the corner out of sight.  

 

**26.01.17**

**TORSDAG 21:16- TEXT MESSAGE**

**Isak**

Hey

**Even**

Hi

**Isak**

Wanna hang out tomorrow?

**Even**

Sure :)

**Isak**

My place? After school?

**Even**

My favorite place

 

**Isak**

Hahaha <3

**Even**

<3

 

**NOTHING’S WRONG**

**27.01.17**

**FREDAG 16:35- ISAK’S APARTMENT**

“Even, Hey!” Eskild waved him in with a broad smile.

 

“Hey Eskild, how’ve you been?”

 

“Oh you know,” Eskild flapped his hand in the air, as if the explanation was somehow written in bold letters amongst it.  

 

“Sure,” Even laughed good-naturedly, toeing off his shoes and pushing them against the wall.

 

A loud thud followed by a string of low grumbles flowed through the hallway. Even shook his head in confusion, turning to Eskild questioningly, who just laughed.

 

“That’s just Isak, he’s been cleaning.” Eskild’s voice hiked up at the end in amusement. 

 

“Haha yeah, sure.” Even snorted.

 

“I’m serious! Go see for yourself,” Eskild prompted. Even raised a skeptical eyebrow but said nothing, curiosity coaxing him down the hall towards Isak’s room.

 

When he opened the door, he was greeted with books scattered in front of the doorway, Isak hunched over them despondently.   

 

"Wow." 

 

"What?" Isak stacked the books on top of each other before standing up to place them on the shelf behind him.

 

"Nothing," Even shrugged, dropping his bag on the ground and leaning against the door, "Just didn't think you cleaned." 

 

"I clean," Isak insisted, picking up a pair of pants and throwing them on a growing pile in the middle of his room. 

 

"And I was getting tired of Eskild telling me how bad it smells in here," Isak muttered, dropping to his knees and reaching under his bed, extracting a discarded t-shirt and adding it to the pile. 

 

Even laughed, "Makes sense now." 

 

"I don't get what he's always complaining about, it's really not that-" Isak froze, crouched on the floor next to his bed. 

 

"What? Is there a monster under your bed or something?" 

 

Slowly, Isak reached under the bad, pulling out a small pill bottle. 

 

The smile on Even's face stilled as a cold dread trickled down his spine. He had forgotten all about the pills. He knew he wasn't taking them but. And they were at Isak's house and. How could he forget? 

 

Slowly, impossibly slowly, Isak stood up, his back rigid.

 

“Have you, have you not been taking your, have these been here since Sunday?”

 

“I-” Even’s voice caught in his throat. Guilt clashed with resentful anger. It was his business what he did with his medication. Isak wasn’t his mother. And why should he feel guilty anyways? _You know why._

 

“Even.” Isak tried again, this time his voice softer,” Why aren’t you taking your pills?”

 

“I don’t know, I guess I just,” Again he couldn’t finish, looking desperately at Isak, silently begging him to drop it. To make a joke out of it like they usually did. But Isak’s eyes were swimming with a resolute concern that he knew wasn’t going to go unanswered. Not this time. Not after Wednesday.  

 

“You don’t know,” Isak repeated slowly, clearly trying to be understanding, his barely concealed anger reverberating like an aftershock.   

“If there’s something wrong, why didn’t you just say something?” Isak stepped forward, hand hovering over Even’s arm before finally landing there.

 

“Nothing’s wrong,” Even stepped back, watching Isak’s arm fall to his side.

 

Isak let out an exasperated sigh, “You can’t just, you need to take your medicine.”

 

“Oh yeah? How do you know? Are you my doctor?”

 

“Oh come on,” Isak rolled his eyes.

 

“No you come on Isak, you think you- “

 

“Do you really want a repeat of last time?” Isak’s jaw was now clenched, his lips set in a thin line, the bite in his voice unmasked.

 

“Stop trying to control me, you’re just as bad as Sonja!” Even shot back, the bile burning as he spit poison into the room. Isak stepped back, hurt shock frozen on his face.

 

“Isak I didn’t mean it,” Even backtracked, “I just- you need to respect that I can make my own decisions, and this is my decision.”

 

Isak blinked, Even’s words bringing him back.

 “I don’t want to see you running out in the middle of the night naked and then not be able to get out of bed just because of your _decision_ ,” Isak’s voice trembled slightly, anger laced with his still apparent hurt.

 

Even felt like he had stepped out of his body, watching two strangers arguing, foreign words that didn’t belong here, didn’t belong to them. They didn’t talk like this. They didn’t say these things to each other. Fog rolled into his mind, hot and stuffy. Suffocating.  

 

“That’s not fair,” Even finally spoke, “You can’t bring up my episodes every time. I’m more than what happened.”

 

Even’s voice picked up, “You knew what you signed up for. You can’t just get upset over it all now.” 

 

Isak swallowed thickly, “I don’t know what to do right now,” Isak said shakily, eyes wide at Even’s raised voice. 

 

“Stop trying to take care of me.”

 

“I’m supposed to not care about you?”

 

“That’s not what I meant.”

 

 “I think you should go home. I can’t do this right now.” Isak looked away, refusing to meet Even’s eyes.

 

Even’s head filled with smog, a distant buzz ringing in his ears. He could feel his heart pounding against his skull, blood rushing up too quickly. His heart clenched painfully when he failed to meet Isak’s avoiding gaze.

 

“Isak, we need to talk about this.”

 

“I just need some time to think, please.” His voice softened at the end, a hint of regret dropping off of the last syllable.

 

“Ok,” Even lingered, hope forcing its way through the heated turmoil only to be shamed by Isak’s worn face. He walked to the door, the heat within filling him with steel.  

 

“Even wait!” Even turned around, stomach jumping slightly despite itself. 

 

“Don’t forget these,” Isak hold out the pill bottle.

 

Even took it, fingers curling around it resentfully. He turned around and hurried towards the front door, ignoring Eskild’s probing look as he thrust his feet in his shoes and rushed out the door, the buzzing in his ears louder despite the heated haze rolling around in his head.   

  

His legs felt like dead weight beneath him, Isak’s words thrashing against his fevered mind. He pressed his back against the wall when he reached the lobby, eyes sliding closed, the pulsating flames a welcome change of scenery as they lapped against his heaving chest. Even’s fingers still clenched around the bottle, tightening their hold, strangling the plastic. He opened his eyes, pushing himself off the wall and stepping towards the trash can in the corner of the room. He watched as the pill bottle dropped silently into the trash, blending into the dark of the unlit edges of the room.

 

The cold air smiled at him sweetly, the night shining bright as he walked onto the silent street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that this is taking me so long to update! I'm trying my best >.


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